A clear, simple guide for families.
Part of the AISK — a free library of practical SEND guides · Read, share and print freely · sendexpertsathand.co.uk/aisk
This is a starter guide — we will be revisiting and adding to it over time.
Some resistance, tantrums, and difficult behaviour is a normal part of growing up. As children develop, they push boundaries, test reactions, and struggle to manage feelings that are genuinely new and overwhelming to them. This is how they learn. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with your child, and it doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong as a parent or carer.
What this guide is for is the moments that feel harder to understand or manage — when behaviour is more frequent, more intense, or more distressing than you would expect, or when you are not sure what is driving it or how to respond.
Noticing the times, the triggers, and what happened as a result of a behaviour will give you information to look for any pattern. And when you begin to recognise the reasons or patterns, you can start to look for a way of responding that actually works — for your child, and for your family.
Whatever the behaviour looks like on the surface, the starting point is always the same: your child is not giving you a hard time. They are having a hard time, and the behaviour is how that hard time is coming out.
Think of behaviour like an iceberg. What you can see — the shouting, the hitting, the bolting, the refusing — is only the visible tip. Underneath sits everything driving it. Understanding what is underneath is where the real work begins.
What others see — above the waterline
Shouting · Hitting · Refusing · Bolting · Silence
What’s really going on — underneath
Sensory discomfort · Fear or anxiety · Exhaustion · Confusion · A need not yet met · A skill still developing · Something that happened earlier today
Every behaviour serves a purpose for the child. Positive Behaviour Support identifies four things behaviour might be communicating:
| Attention | The behaviour gets them social contact, a response, or connection with another person. |
|---|---|
| Escape | The behaviour helps them get away from something difficult — a demand, a sensory experience, a transition, or an activity they find overwhelming. |
| Access | The behaviour gets them something they want — an object, an activity, a preferred person. |
| Sensory | The behaviour itself feels good, or reduces sensory discomfort. The doing of it is the point. |
Understanding the function doesn’t mean accepting the behaviour — it means you can respond to the real need underneath it, rather than only managing the surface.
When a child feels threatened or overwhelmed, their body responds automatically — the brain’s alarm system fires, releasing a stress hormone called cortisol. This is the fight-or-flight response, and it is automatic, not chosen.
Cortisol narrows access to language and reasoning, which is why telling a child to “calm down” in the middle of a meltdown doesn’t work — that part of their brain is temporarily offline. And crucially, cortisol can take twenty minutes or more to clear. Once a child has been in crisis, their baseline sits higher, meaning it takes less to trigger another.
Children can move up and down these levels quickly. This reflects the brain responding to stress — not a choice.
| Level | What helps |
|---|---|
| 1. Calm and regulated | This is the moment to connect, play, and build the relationship. Teach new skills and talk through anything that was hard. Praise what is going well — specifically and warmly. Build routines and predictability so this zone feels safe. |
| 2. Alert and coping | Give clear, simple instructions — one at a time. Offer gentle prompts rather than demands. Keep routines steady and reduce unnecessary change. Offer a choice to give a sense of control. Check in warmly — “are you okay?” goes a long way. |
| 3. Stressed and struggling | Reduce demands — now is not the time to push. Stay calm and lower your own voice and pace. Say less: fewer words, quieter tone. Offer support without pressure — “I’m here if you need me”. Give space, but stay close enough to be safe. |
| 4. Escalated | Use as few words as possible — short, calm, slow. Do not try to reason, explain, or give consequences. Stay nearby but give physical space. Remove other demands and distractions. Keep everyone safe — including yourself. |
| 5. Crisis | Say nothing — silence is the most powerful tool here. Stay calm; your nervous system is regulating theirs. Keep your child and others safe. Wait it out — this will pass. Reconnect warmly once calm returns, before moving on. |
Psychiatrist Bruce Perry developed a simple sequence for responding when a child is outside their regulated zone:
| 1. Regulate | Calm the body first. Before anything else — before explaining, before consequences, before “let’s talk about it”. Reduce stimulation, stay calm yourself, and give your child space and time. It cannot be rushed. |
|---|---|
| 2. Relate | Make connection. Once your child’s body is beginning to settle, come alongside them. Not to fix — just to be present, warm, and safe. Your child borrows your calm nervous system to help settle their own. |
| 3. Reason | Only now — talk, reflect, problem-solve. Once the body is calm and connection is made, language and reasoning become available again. This is when a quiet “what happened?” can actually land. Not before. |
The hardest part of the Three Rs is trusting the order. Everything in us wants to explain, reason, or fix. But reasoning before the body is calm doesn’t work — and often makes things more escalated, not less. Regulate first. Always.
Whatever approach you try, these four principles apply.
| One step at a time | Whatever approach you decide on, focus on one behaviour or one step at a time. Trying to change everything at once is overwhelming for everyone — including you. Small, consistent steps are how real progress happens. |
|---|---|
| Consistency matters — and so does your wellbeing | For any strategy to work, everyone caring for your child needs to respond the same way. Agree your approach before you start, and only begin when you feel steady. There will still be moments when you feel frustrated — that is completely normal. If you feel yourself about to react in a way you’ll regret, it is always better to make sure your child is safe and step away for a moment. |
| It may feel worse before it gets better | When you change your response, things can temporarily feel harder — your child may push further to see if the previous response comes back. This is normal, and it is not a sign that the approach isn’t working. Hold steady. It does get better. |
| Be realistic — and ask for help | You are the expert on your child. But being the expert doesn’t mean doing it alone. Your health visitor, your child’s teacher or SENCO, and your local Family Hub are all good starting points. |
This guide is one of a series produced by SEND Experts at Hand to help families support their child with confidence. If your child’s setting would find it useful, the practitioner version is how to support positive behaviour. For advice tailored to your family, book a 1:1 advice session.
The Academy of Inclusive Skills and Knowledge is a free library of practical SEND guides, written by SEND Experts at Hand for families and the practitioners who work alongside them. No sign-up, nothing to pay.
Also in the AISK for families: plans, meetings and paperwork · starting school and other transitions · communication · regulation and behaviour · sleep · days out, holidays and celebrations · making sense of the SEND system
SEND Experts at Hand offers 1:1 advice sessions for families — assessments, meetings and funding panels, without the jargon. A free introductory telephone consultation is arranged by email.
sendexpertsathand.co.uk/contact
Independent SEND consultancy for education settings and families.
