Celebrations through the year

Fireworks, Easter, Diwali, birthdays, Christmas and weddings — planning the occasions that come round every year.

Food, safe foods and celebration meals

Many children have safe foods — a small, reliable set of things they will eat, sometimes unchanged for years. Celebration meals put real pressure on that, because everybody else is eating something special and there is an unspoken expectation that your child will join in.

They don’t have to. Nobody would sit a person with coeliac disease down to Christmas dinner and expect them to eat something that would make them ill. Sensory needs deserve exactly the same courtesy. A child eating their safe food at the table is taking part in the meal — the company is the point of it, not the menu.

• Take safe food to other people’s houses, and mention it when you accept rather than apologising at the table.
• Serve it on the same plate and at the same time as everyone else, so your child is eating with the family rather than separately.
• A celebration meal is the worst possible moment to try something new. Save that for an ordinary Tuesday.
• Tell the host beforehand, so nobody makes a well-meant fuss in front of everyone.
• If your child would rather eat earlier and then come and sit with everyone, that counts too.

Fireworks — Bonfire Night and New Year

Firework displays are glorious if you enjoy them. If your child is sensitive to noise, they are a series of unpredictable explosions in the dark, in a crowd, in the cold — and the difficulty often isn’t the organised display at all, but the neighbours letting off fireworks at random for a fortnight either side.

Fireworks come round twice. New Year is harder than Bonfire Night in one respect: it happens at exactly the hour your child should be asleep, and it is entirely unannounced. Nobody is obliged to stay up for it. Marking New Year at seven o’clock, with the curtains shut and something your family enjoys, is a perfectly good tradition — and a much better memory than a distressed child at midnight.

Building up to it

• Watch fireworks on television or online first, at a volume your child controls. Predictability is the whole game here: knowing what a firework looks and sounds like, days before standing under one, takes most of the shock out of it.
• Get ear defenders early and let your child choose them. Trying them for the first time on the night rarely works. Wear them around the house first so they are familiar and comfortable rather than one more strange thing.
• Find out when local displays are. Council websites usually list them, and knowing the dates lets you prepare your child rather than be ambushed.
• Look for a quiet or low-noise display. These are increasingly common and are often specifically advertised as suitable for autistic children and for people with sensory sensitivities.

On the night

• Watch from a distance — a window, the car, or the far edge of the field. You lose very little and gain an exit.
• Arrive early, stand near the edge, and know where you would go if you needed to leave.
• Agree beforehand that leaving is allowed and is not a failure. Two minutes of fireworks enjoyed beats forty endured.
• Bring comfort items, something to hold, and something familiar to eat.

The fireworks you didn’t plan for

Unannounced fireworks from neighbouring gardens are harder than any display, precisely because there is no warning. Closing curtains, putting on familiar music or television to mask the bangs, and moving to the quietest room in the house all help. If your child finds a particular week unbearable, it is entirely reasonable to plan quieter evenings at home across it, and to let school know that sleep may be disrupted.

The rest of the year

Lunar New Year

Firecrackers, drums, lion dances and crowds — wonderful, and extremely loud. The fireworks advice above applies: watch a lion dance on screen beforehand, take ear defenders that have already been worn in, and stand at the edge with a route out. If this is your family’s celebration, the pull to have your child fully involved is stronger, which makes the question at the top of this guide worth asking honestly.

World Book Day and fancy dress

The difficulty with fancy dress is rarely the costume itself. It is that everything looks different — including familiar adults, which some children find genuinely frightening.

• Wear the costume over usual clothes rather than instead of them, so the familiar layer stays.
• Get it early and practise wearing it at home. Cut out labels and skip anything scratchy, hooded or tight at the neck.
• Avoid masks and face paint. A T-shirt with the right character on it is a costume.
• Ask the setting for photographs of staff in their costumes beforehand, and tell your child which adults will look different.
• Ask whether your child could bring the book instead of dressing up. Most settings will say yes if asked in advance.

Easter

The chocolate. It arrives all at once, in quantity, in unfamiliar wrappers and textures. It is entirely fine to put most of it away and bring it out over weeks, or to swap it for something your child would actually prefer. Nobody is counting.

Egg hunts can be fast, competitive and overwhelming. A smaller version at home first — same idea, fewer people, known garden — makes the public one far more manageable, or removes the need for it.

Church services are long, echoing, quiet in a way that makes any noise feel enormous, and full of standing up and sitting down. Ask whether there is a shorter family service, and sit near the back and near a door. Going for part of it is a perfectly good option, and so is deciding this isn’t the year for it.

Costumed characters. Easter bunnies, mascots and characters with fixed faces frighten a great many children, and not only children with SEND. Show photographs beforehand, keep your distance, approach from the side rather than head-on, and never insist on the photograph.

Halloween

The doorbell going repeatedly, strangers at the door, costumes and the dark make this a genuinely hard evening for some children. Opting out is easy — lights off and a note on the door. If your child would enjoy some of it, going out early while it is still light, to three or four houses you already know, is often the version that works.

Diwali

Lights, fireworks, sweets, new clothes, temple visits and a house full of people — beautiful, and a lot at once. The fireworks section applies to the fireworks, the safe foods section applies to the sweets, and new clothes need wearing in beforehand just as they do for a wedding. Agree a quiet room before the relatives arrive rather than looking for one mid-evening.

Birthdays

Other people’s parties. Ask the host for the running order — most flashpoints are predictable, and “Happy Birthday” being sung is a common one. Arriving early, before the room is full and loud, is easier than walking into it. Staying for part of a party is a perfectly good outcome.

Your child’s own. Small is allowed. So is spreading it over a couple of days, or marking it in a way that has nothing to do with a party at all. Not every child wants to be sung to by a room of people.

Presents. Relatives usually want to get it right and are relieved to be told how. Ask for developmentally appropriate rather than age appropriate — a list or a few links takes the guesswork out and saves everyone the disappointment of a toy that sits unopened.

Christmas

• Open presents over several days. A pile of presents at once is overwhelming, and the pressure to perform delight for an audience makes it worse. One or two a day is a kindness, not a failure.
• Make your own traditions. Traditions exist to make people happy. If one reliably doesn’t, change it — and keep whatever your family has invented that works, however unconventional it looks.
• Don’t decorate too soon. Weeks of a changed environment is a long time to ask a child to tolerate.
• Remember the setting changes too. Decorations alter how a room looks, smells and feels, and routines change alongside them. Ask your child’s setting how they are managing it and what adjustments are possible — a familiar corner left as it is, or warning before the room changes, costs them very little.
• Risk assess at home. Fake snow and spray, glitter, small or glass baubles, fairy lights and button batteries are genuinely unsafe for a child who explores with their mouth. Shatterproof decorations, nothing within reach at low level, and batteries locked away.
• Christmas performances. If the nativity is causing your child real distress, it is worth asking who is gaining from making them take part. Watching from the side, having a smaller role, or not doing it at all are all reasonable — and a child who is present and settled has had a better day than one who got through it and fell apart afterwards.

Weddings and family celebrations

Weddings ask a great deal of a child: unfamiliar clothes, a long formal ceremony, hours of waiting, late unfamiliar food, and a room full of people who want to talk to them. They are also family occasions, which brings its own pressure to cope.

Before the day

• Talk to the couple early. Almost everyone would rather know in advance than have you quietly struggling on the day. Ask for the running order and rough timings — weddings run long, and knowing that the gap between ceremony and food may be three hours changes what you pack.
• Ask the venue about a quiet space your child could use, and where it is. Most venues have somewhere, but only if you ask before the day.
• Show your child what a wedding is — photographs of the venue, the people, what happens in what order, in whatever format they understand.
• Decide in advance what you are attending. Ceremony only, or reception only, is a perfectly respectable answer, and far better than leaving in distress halfway through.

Clothes

• Buy the outfit early and let your child wear it several times at home before the day.
• Wash it first in your usual laundry products, and cut out labels.
• Choose fabrics close to what your child already wears. A stiff collar, a waistband or a lining is enough to end a day.
• Take a change of clothes and comfortable shoes in the car. Nobody minds a child in familiar clothes by the evening; everybody notices a child in distress.
• If your child is asked to be a page boy or bridesmaid, practise the walk, and agree an opt-out with the couple beforehand so nobody is improvising on the day.

Food

• Wedding food is late, unfamiliar and slow to arrive. Feed your child beforehand and treat the meal as a bonus.
• Tell the caterers about dietary needs when you RSVP, not on the day — and take safe food anyway.
• Ask whether your child can be served first, or eat before the speeches. Many venues will happily do this.

If your child can’t sit through the ceremony

Assume they might not, and plan for it rather than hoping. Sit at the back, on an aisle, near a door — and ask beforehand rather than arriving early and hoping for a good seat. Standing at the back is fine, and stepping outside is fine.

Agree between the adults in your party who is on duty for each part of the day, so one person isn’t managing everything while everyone else enjoys themselves. And if your child needs to leave, leave. A short appearance that goes well is a far better memory — for your child, for you, and honestly for the couple — than a long one that ends badly.

A year at a glance

This planner covers the whole series, not just this guide — the summer break and days out are dealt with in the companion guides. Almost nothing in any of it is hard if it is done three months early, and almost all of it is hard in the week itself.

Key points at a glance

• Ask who the occasion is really for — the answer should shape what you plan
• Safe foods at a celebration meal are not a problem to solve; the company is the point, not the menu
• Fireworks: watch on screen first, wear ear defenders in beforehand, and find a quiet display
• The unannounced fireworks from neighbouring gardens are harder than any organised event — plan quieter evenings across that fortnight
• Fancy dress is hard because everything looks different — costume over usual clothes, no masks, and warn them which adults will change
• Costumed characters frighten many children — show photographs first, and never insist on the picture
• Christmas presents can be opened over several days, and traditions that don’t work can be changed
• Ask relatives for developmentally appropriate presents, at Christmas and at birthdays
• Risk assess decorations if your child explores with their mouth
• If a nativity or performance is causing real distress, ask who is gaining from the child taking part
• Weddings: ask for the running order, buy the outfit early, feed your child beforehand, sit near a door, and treat leaving early as a plan rather than a failure
• Almost nothing here is hard three months early, and almost all of it is hard in the week itself